COWBOY BEBOP- https://danethomsen.wordpress.com/2013/02/19/the-bebop-sessions-1/
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION- The Evangelion movie, which acts as the ‘real’ ending, opens and closes with the series’ hero ashamedly jerking it over an unconscious girl.
VIDEOGAMES- Created the idea of violence. Now everyone bathes in arterial spray.
SUPER MARIO BROS.- Like taking acid without the burning gums.
PRINCESS PEACH- Has severe Stockholm syndrome. At this point, Mario is kidnapping her from Bowser.
LUIGI MARIO- The Buster Bluth of the Mario family.
TOAD- Toad is a member of the Toad species, a species well known for being mistaken for ugly sprites of princesses by evil turtles who hang out over lava pits.
SUPER MARIO 64- HOLY FUCKING SHIT, 3 DIMENSIONS!
SUPER MARIO GALAXY- One of the best games of all time.
THE LEGEND OF ZELDA- The secret to this intensely paced masterpiece is a design that deals in units of screens.
LINK- Very likely a moron.
ZELDA- Grew up pretending to be a boy.
GANON- Didn’t act so tough when he looked like a pig.
THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: MAJORA’S MASK- The Happy Masks Salesman has a Mario mask on his bag.
THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: WIND WAKER- Better be a boat enthusiast.
THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: TWILIGHT PRINCESS- An uninspired, run-through-the motions-adventure that trades exploration and self discovery for collecting and babysitting and is in every way the logical extension of Ocarina of Time.
THE HYRULE HISTORIA: proof that Zelda’s timeline is fuuuucked.
BIRDO- Another example of children in a Nintendo game pretending to be a member of the opposite gender.
POKEMON RED/BLUE- Reminds you of a time in your life that didn’t center around erections and where to put them.
METROID- OMG! Samus Aran is a woman!
SAMUS ARAN- Once believed to be a really awesome dude.
SUPER METROID- Zomg! Samus Aran is still a woman!
METROID: OTHER M- Where Samus Aran stopped being a woman and started being a girl.
NINTENDO WIIU- Nintendo’s last chance.
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG- Loves chili dogs and being voiced by Steve Urkel.
JET SET RADIO- Created vandalism and should be burned alive.
MEGA MAN- That level select screen has significantly more open gameplay than the majority of modern games.
MEGA MAN- Dat Rock.
MEGA MAN 9- Sersly, Mega Man 9 is the Best Mega Man.
MEGA MAN LEGENDS- Better than Ocarina of Time.
STREET FIGHTER 2: THE WORLD WARRIOR- A game about beating up an ethnicity from around the world.
HIDEO KOJIMA- Likes Lethal Weapon, James Bond, Escape from New York, Blade Runner, Lethal Weapon 2, The Terminator, The Hunt for Red October, Lethal Weapon 3, Rambo, Roland Emmerich, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Lethal Weapon 4
METAL GEAR SOLID- A game about a hero who swallows his pack of cigarettes.
SOLID SNAKE- AKA- cold, hard, dick.
LIQUID SNAKE- Officially British.
REVOLVER OCELOT- (he’s a motherfuckin’ octuple agent).
METAL GEAR SOLID 2: SON’S OF LIBERTY- Where Metal Gear became dumb.
METAL GEAR SOLID 3: SNAKE EATER- The Boss is pretty boss.
METAL GEAR ACID- What? It’s a card-based Metal Gear game? Who thought that would be a good idea?
SNATCHER- Based on Blade Runner.
POLICENAUTS- The story of Mel Gibson when he still had blue hair.
ZONE OF THE ENDERS- Neon Genesis Evangelion by Hideo Kojima.
CHRONO TRIGGER- The trial scene.
FINAL FANTASY- 12 was pretty awesome.
FINAL FANTASY 7- Penis envy.
FINAL FANTASY 7 ARGUMENTS: The reason I want time travel.
TETSUYA NOMURA- The worst thing about Final Fantasy. Zipper lover.
FINAL FANTASY TACTICS- The last innocent Final Fantasy.
THE DIRGE OF CERBERUS: FINAL FANTASY 7- One of the earliest examples of Japanese games trying to emulate western design…yep.
FINAL FANTASY 13- Good thing that every important event happens along that one path.
THE BOUNCER- Not a game about Ving Rhames character in Striptease.
SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI: PERSONA 4- A game about dating Chie Satonaka. Notable as the first game to feature a free 99+ hours commentary track. Co starring Mysterious Fox and Funky Student. Never cast bufu.
DOOM- The videogame adaptation of the film starring The Rock.
HALF-LIFE- And God said, ‘Jesus will be a four-eyed nerd.’
ALYX VANCE- Lies and tells you she’ll call when she has no plans to.
PORTAL- The Simpsons taught us to use portals to pee in the toilet while standing in the kitchen.
HALF LIFE 2: EPISODE 3- This game is a myth.
BUNGIE- Thought the Mac was cool, for some dumb reason.
MARATHON- Durandal’s the man.
HALO: COMBAT EVOLVED- It’s this games fault the FPS is the dominant genre in gaming.
MASTER CHIEF- Man, Master Chief ain’t nuthin’ but a cracker with a gun.
CORTANA- Boy, Cortana just a cracker’s artifial ho.
HALO 4- Worked really hard to sabotage its own story.
SYNDICATE- You should’ve bought this game.
MASS EFFECT- Has hardcore pornographic sex. With aliens.
COMMANDER SHEPARD- Is really a female.
MASS EFFECT 2- Has a story significantly better than the first.
THE ILLUSIVE MAN- Can’t get off if not within view of a dying star.
THE THIRD STREET SAINTS- ‘The Muppets if they all developed debilitating crack problems.’
SAINTS ROW 4- Thematically The Matrix, structurally Mass Effect 2
UNCHARTED 2: AMONG THIEVES- Nathan Drake sure gets fucked up in this game.
UNCHARTED 3: DRAKES DECEPTION- Wait, how’d the old lady get caught into the quicksand?
BATMAN: ARKHAM CITY- Uses the word ‘bitch’ a lot.
DENIS DYACK- Good goin’ chief.
HOTLINE MIAMI- A game’s-length retelling of Modern Warfare 2’s ‘No Russian’ mission.
HYDROPHOBIA: PROPHECY- A game that will make you want to stand on your hands and poop into the air.
THE WITCHER 2: ASSASSIN’S OF KINGS- story-focused adventure about bonin’ down with bar wenches and other unwashed maidens.
BIOSHOCK INFINITE- A bad game.
RESIDENT EVIL- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xwr97sXEArM
ALBERT WESKER- Infected with the ‘Prick’virus.
LEON S. KENNEDY- The S stands for ‘Scott’. S-c-o-t-t. Scott. Buncha assholes.
RESIDENT EVIL 6- Not a game about a giraffe man getting mad head. Would have been way better than what actually we got.
HIDEKI KAMIYA- The face of a man with a huge dong.
BAYONETTA- ‘9 foot tall witch seeks strong independent companion. Must like gun heels, hair clothes and daughter selves.’
THE WONDERFUL 101- Pikmin + Viewtiful Joe + Okami = Project P-100
NINJA GAIDEN- Really likes the look of a lady who got hosed down with KY jelly.
THIEF- Designing doors that stop at the character model is a brilliant, organic way to give the players the tools to survey a room before entering it.
SHREDDER SYNDROME- The long-lived virus that turns fearsome villains into bumbling pussys.
JONATHAN FRAKES- The 2nd hole at every miniature golf course.
JONATHAN FRAKES WALKTHORUGH
1 At the #2 hole, you gotta start by hitting the lower edge of the triangular bumper, making it hit a 90 degree angle. The shot will cause it to make it in to the secret shortcut pipe which spits it out right near J. Frakes head.
2 Next, hit the ramp dead center to rocket the green ball (you better use green, you little shite) over the traps.
3 If you do it exactly right, your golf ball with careen directly up Frakes serpent tongue. This will cause his eyes to shine like flashlights to heaven.
4 Feel self respect.
LUPIN THE THIRD- Red jacket.
GOD- The old man in the sky that gets off on messing with people. Archnemesis to that pesky Satan.
Dane Thomsen 